Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Swimming Lessons

Being depressed is like drowning. 
You keep trying to float to the surface,
But after a while you get tired
And you just want to give up.
I say you, but I mean me. 
Some days, the only reason I keep paddling and gasping for some fucking air
Is because I could never force a bloated, water-logged corpse 
Into the lives of the people that I care about.
Some days, they’re the only thing 
Keeping me from finding out
If I can spontaneously sprout gills.
Some days even they don’t help,
Because you can be supportive all you want but 
It doesn’t go a long way if 
You don’t really understand
Mental illness.
If you take it for granted.
If you think it’s just a temporary feeling,
Like it will pass.
Try feeling like you’re drowning 
For over half your life, 
For years, 
For what feels like
Eons 
And 
Leagues. 

I don’t know many life forms
That can survive that kind of
Suffocation,
But humans are 
One of them.

Neil Hilborn said
The genes for creativity and mental illness
Are not related, 
But one and the same
And he is right.
Only creating something 
To get through it all,
To maybe buoy yourself 
for a brief moment
Can give you enough oxygen 
To keep it up.
You might not keep it up
For long,
But hey.
It’s a few more minutes on this
Godforesaken rock,
And that’s something
I suppose. 

AAE 
29 NOV 17 

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Scratched

I’m sure I’ll regret this
i think, ripping a sliver from my
Souvenir book mark 
And i wonder
If it’s even any good but
I’m high and drunk besides
Anyway.
Already wavy from bath water,
Coming apart and
Paper thin fragile
The book or the person holding it,
Who knows which
Or both
Or neither 
and i trumpet a mad parade 
But get lost at the ending
I’ve always avoided endings 

No, that was the place to end
i know because i can’t read anything else
Just the same line over
And over and over
Like a record skipped
On repeat, blaring at me
At me
At me 

And no one will ever read this again anyway
And no one will ever read this again
And no one will ever read

Again anyway